Sorting out Scene 1

An avatar of Elmore Leonard sits on my shoulder like a scornful parrot. He said, I think 'if it looks like writing I rewrite it.' Y told me my first scene was over-written and, making one of the most typical mistakes of the amateur writer, I was reluctant to cut any of my carefully chosen words. In any case though I had to rewrite it as my plot has changed requiring an alteration or two at the beginning. So I faced up to it and cut cut cut. Perhaps not enough but it looks more respectable now. Obviously from the point of view of drawing in the reader it is so important to get it right. So here it is - this version at least - in the next post